Over the years since college, I've realized quite a bit about myself. One thing is that I'm a total sucker for romance, and when it rears its beautiful head into my life, I'm hit quite instantly. What I never understood, however, is that, even with all of my energy put into rediscovering romance, I'm always at the mercy of quick hook-ups and flings. Maybe girls see a short-term lovin' in me, maybe they just see a good time. I've got no problem with that, as it has given me some of my greatest memories and most fun moments of my life.
When a relationship actually starts, though, everything changes, instantly. I no longer become the "partier, let's hook up" guy, but rather, the, "let's stay in, I love you," kind of guy. It's a transformation I'm willing to make, only because I love that feeling and I love being with someone I can feel that way about. But for some reason, it always ends either negatively or just sort of fizzles out. Part of the problem has to be that I'm very attracted to "crazy" girls, but that's something that I've since decided to consciously avoid. Insecurity hits me just like it does anyone, and it can lead to jealousy, which is occasional but unpleasant for me (and the girl, I'm sure, whether or not there's something funny going on, it just sucks all around).
However, actually coming across someone that really fits all the parameters of what you're looking for is a rare feat, and to leave it be is, ultimately, undesirable. You have to go for it, you have to act fast, because it'll vanish as quickly as tiny drops of water on a heating pan.
Meeting that girl is incredible. She'll only take a few seconds to remind you as to why life is so amazing, and those early moments of a budding relationship, especially, brings out the best in everyone. From reading this, you'd be quick to judge me a very happy man, but you'd also question my choice for a title. Well, I'm not happy. I'm depressed, not viciously (thank goodness), but depressed, none the less.
When something that incredible fizzles out, you want to know why, and yes, that's what happened. After only a very brief amazingness, it was over. No phone calls, no returned texts, nothing. When you contact someone and their responses are brief and end quickly, even if you're encouraging the conversation to continue, it's never a good thing. I'm not sure as to why this occurred, and, even though I feel like I deserve to know, I kind of don't want to. I'm not heartbroken, because that would have required the relationship to last longer than it did, but I'm close to it.
Ironically, this state of emotional distress has lead to me breaking out of a creative slump and getting back on track with my music. Unfortunately, it's back to somewhat sad and cryptic lyrics, which wouldn't be so bad if they didn't always remind me of "the bad times."
About her. Amazing. Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, an amazing taste in music, fashion and art. I didn't even care that she was religious because, let's face it, that never stops someone from being so rad if they're already rad, to begin with. If she's reading this, well, you're really amazing and I felt a spark light up quicker than I've ever experienced, and going to that show with you WAS incredible, even if we got stuck at Grand Central waiting for the morning train.
But, as it is and as it always will be (hopefully not, but probably so), it'll remain just another life experience that I'll look back on, fondly and sadly. At least I'll remember the brief but incredible moment when I met "that girl."
Here's a rather nice painting that sort of exemplifies my emotions:
Till next time.